Black Lagoon: Off It's Nuts
by The Layman
Summary: You know how off the wall crazy Black Lagoon is? Well, crank that up to 17, because all restrictions are lifted, and things are about to go off their nuts in the sleepy little bastion of vice known as Roanapur! Warnings: It's Black Lagoon, people, y'all know darn well what you're getting into!
1. Ink

_Well folks, I've finally done it. I, The Layman, have written a Black Lagoon fic. Partial thanks warranted to Amigodude and his absolutely fantastic stories of the same fandom, (Seriously, go check them out!), his absolutely spot on take on the universe is what inspired me to dip my toes in this fandom in the first place. _

_But I should probably say something about what you're about to read, shouldn't I? Well, it's primarily a humor fic, but I'll try to keep everyone in character as much as I can. Also, what you think the story might be about by going off the title, you're wrong. Unless you've got a warped mind like mine, you're wrong. _

_Warnings: It's Black Lagoon; you know what the heck you're getting yourselves into here._

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

"Rock," Revy said out of the blue one day. They were at the Yellow Flag, as was their usual weekend evening ritual, Revy pounding back shots and Rock nursing a drink he had yet to top off, "what the fuck are you still doing here?"

Rock sighed, knowing where this was going; it didn't happen all the time, but occasionally when Revy stated to reach her minimum tolerance level she'd ramble, and one of her favorite topics was Rock's desire to remain in Roanapur.

"I mean," she continued, "look at me; I was born and bread in this shit. I've been shoot at more times than you've probably had sex in your whole pathetic life! I'm what the good Christian mothers tell their kids to look under the bed for at night! But you..." She'd turned and gave him a once over, her cheeks just starting to flush from all the alcohol.

"But me...what?" the Japanese man asked with trepidation.

"Your a fucking cubicle monkey!" the gunslinger gently reminded him.

"_Really_, am I?" Rock asked sarcastically, just _oh_ so glad Revy had so much respect for him. Plus he hadn't had enough booze yet to not let that get under his skin.

"Didn't you used to do anything fun before you hooked up with us?"

"You were holding me for ransom!" he reminded her, thinking back to their fateful first meeting. ...Needless to say, he remembered things a _bit_ differently than she did, "And for your information, I did do fun things before I feel in with you lot! I could bring the fun right now if I wanted!"

"Dutch ain't gonna like that," she said offhandedly, only half listening to her white collar comrade.

"Seriously, I was the embodiment of fun back in Japan! ... you know, when I wasn't bending over backwards for my bosses."

"You know what you need?" Revy asked, not caring about Rock's sob story, "A good ducking tattoo." She then downed another shot of whisky. "Ahhh, good stuff! But seriously, a little ink'll toughen you right the fuck up."

For a moment Rock just stared at the possibly(?) psycho woman sitting next to him, a flabbergasted look plastered on his face.

"Are you even listening to-"

"I know this guy a few streets over," Revy said, not listening to the former salaryman, "he'll hook you up with some quality ink."

"And what if I don't want a tattoo, huh?" he retorted, hopping it would get Revy's attention. Really, it was bad enough when she tried to buy him clothes (he still shuddered at the thought of the horrendous Hawiian shirt she bought him months ago), but this was just going far beyond the pale.

"Nothing good booze can't fix," she said, waving the bartender over. "Hey Bao, bring us more fucking Bacardi! And leave the bottle!"

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

"... And what the _fvuck_ was up with the ending of Evangellion?" Rock slurred, now well and thoroughly plastered. "I mean... what the fuck did any of that shit even mean? And don't even get me _shtarted_ on Japan only winning three good medals in the last 1992 summer Olympics! What kind of shit is that!"

"Jesus, I knew this guy had problems, but..." Revy just started at the inebriated salaryman, amazed at the vitriol he was putting out. About when Rock started complaining about comb overs she had stopped her own drinking and was now sober enough to be respectfully impressed by the many tangents he'd gone off on. Without looking away, she asked "You didn't spoke any of this booze, did you Bao?"

"The hell do you take me for, you psycho bitch!" Bao screamed, "You think I want people like you, namely everyone in this damn city, doing me in 'cause of spiked booze? I run a clean business, dammit!"

"Yeah, I know the spiel; 'don't shoot up my bar' blah blah fuck, I don't care. Just help me get this poor sap out the door."

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

"Well, here we are!" she announced as they stumbled upon the tattoo parlor. True to her word it had not been far from the Yellow Flag, though the fact that it was nestled between two tall buildings made it a bit hard to spot. It's neon sign that was in an abysmal state of disrepair didn't really help matters. "Congratulations Mr. Okajima, tonight you're finally going to become a man!"

Rock just groaned, his head taking one or two knocks on the way our of the bar. (On top of the inebriation.)

"Oh don't worry," Revy said, as though Rock her actually given a coherent response, "with how plastered you are right now to won't even feel a thing." She held onto the former procurement associate with one hand and proceeded to bang on the rickety door with the other. "Hey Fucknuts, open up! I gots a costumer here for ya!"

The 'fucknuts' in question opened the door a minute later, looking annoyed and tired.

"It's four in the goddamn morning Two-hands, what's so important that you had to interrupt my beauty sleep?"

"I want to hook my man her up with some ink, care to oblige?"

The man regarded Rock, who hiccupped.

"Come on in," he said, holding the door open for the two Lagoon Company members.

"So Rock-baby," she asked as they waited for the artist to set up, "what design are you gonna get?"

Rock just hiccupped again and let his head drop onto his chest.

"Ah fuck it, I'll just surprise you! You ready over there yet, fucknuts?"

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

"Out late?" Dutch asked as Revy shambled into the common room at Lagoon headquarters. He was reclining on one of the couches sipping a can of Heireken beer, Benny at his computer like usual.

"Jane can't talk right now, Jane need beer first," she mumbled add she grabbed a beer from the small fridge. She popped the lid and took a big swig. "Next time that fucking alarm goes off before the time I set I'm gonna see if 'time flies' is really just an expression."

"Just make sure you open the window first," Dutch said. "Last time you threw something out a window you forgot that crucial step."

"Wasn't it _someone_ she threw?" Benny asked offhandedly.

"Regardless, I'm not paying for new windows again." He grabbed a paper from the coffee table and flipped it open, "So what'd you and Rock do last night that lasted so long?"

"Dafuq you care?" Revy scoffed, flopping down on the opposite couch. "For what it's worth, I decided to do something nice for Rock and got him a tattoo."

Said Rock chose that moment to shuffle into the room, already dressed in his usual shirt and tie. His sudden arrival cut off any opportunity for a reaction to Revy's statement from the rest of the crew.

"Ugh, what I wouldn't give for some eki-kyabe right now," Rock groaned. When he didn't anyone response to his statement, (particularly Revy telling him not to be a pussy), he looked up and saw two stunned faces and one manic grin staring back at him. "What, do I have something on face?"

Revy burst out laughing, nearly falling off the couch once or twice.

"Did you... look in a mirror yet?" Dutch asked delicately, unsure of exactly how to approach the subject.

"No," Rock said simply, "should I? And why does my face feel sore?"

Revy continued her uncontrollable laughter, her arms and legs kicking and punching the cushions wildly.

"I think it might be a good idea if you did," Dutch said, managing to keep his own mirth under control. "Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go answer the phone."

"But I don't hear the..." was all Rock managed as Ditch hurriedly left the room. A moment later the large black man's hearty guffaws could be heard. Benny, for his part, had the good graces to be too stunned to laugh.

Having both his curiosity and dread piqued, Rock headed for the bathroom to see what everyone was so worked up about. Revy, who had since got her fit of the giggles tamed, was now brining, eagerly awaiting the reaction she knew was coming.

"Did you really?..." Benny barely managed.

"Yeah," she said in answer to the techhead's unfinished question. "Rock's been kinda quiet in there, you think he's-"

"WHAT THE HELL, REVY!" sounded through the building (and even out into the street), causing certain unsecured item to vibrate. A few seconds later Rock came storming back, making a beeline towards the demon responsible for his recent facial modification.

"... there it is."

"Why is my face covered in _tattoos_?" he demanded. "I distinctly remember having nothing on my face last night."

"Amazing what a little booze can do for your perception," she remarked casually. "Besides, you were perfectly on board with the idea."

"I Was?" he asked, disbelieving.

"Well, you were too busy bitching about the Olympics and Evangelists or some shit to say no, so that obviously must have meant yes."

_Evangelists...?_ Rock mouthed before getting back on track, "Whatever, the point is that I was violated last night!" He pointed emphatically at his now colored in visage, "And don't tell me I was the one who chose all this crap to?"

"Nope," Revy said, popping the P, "you were too wasted by that point; I picked it all out for you."

Rock's eyebrow twitched.

"It's all swastikas," he intoned, well beyond the teeth grinding stage.

"Not entirely," Benny chimed in, finally able to do words again, "there's a little bear holding a small over its head next to your ear."

"Because that just make _everything_ better," Rock sighed, defeated.

"That's the spirit, Rock-baby!" Revy congratulated, giving her comrade a hearty pat on the back.

"I can never go outside again," he moaned, flopping face first onto the couch formerly occupied by Dutch.

"You're gonna have to put that on hold for the moment," Dutch said, coming back into the room. He was wiping a tear from the corner of his eye, "The Rip-Off Church just called, said our order was ready for pickup."

"No shit?" Revy was surprised; from what little she absorbed while having her 'episode' she was pretty sore Dutch was just bullshitting before.

"Called a minute or so after I calmed down." He turned to Rock, "Sister Yolanda asked for Rock specifically to pick it up, said something about getting a new tea blend or something."

_to be continued..._

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_So, what y'all think? As a huge Black Lagoon fan myself, and having seen an example of Black Lagoon fanfiction at it's greatest first hand...you know what? I just hope you guys like this; whether it's 100% super accurate can come with the next fic. _

_And make no mistake, there's more to come in the little excursion. I ought to have at least two more chapters done by the time NaNoWriMo rolls around. _


	2. Concussion

_We're back, Jack! Not sure if this chapter is more or less crazy than the last one, but it's still crazy all right._

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Rock continued banging his head against the dashboard as he rode to the Rip-Off Church, Benny in the driver's seat and Revy sitting in the back. It was bad enough that his face was pretty much guaranteed to offend everyone possible (Benny was taking the whole situation better than Rock thought he would), but waking into a church looking like this! ...Granted, it wasn't a real church, but Yolanda was at least somewhat sincere in her religious convictions, and he did respect the woman for that.

He could only hope that she'd understand that the swastikas (plus one bear holding a shark) street p were some else's idea and that he would have never went through with it if he'd been thinking clearly. Or thinking pretty much at all...

"You know, you're probably gonna give yourself a concussion if yes keep doing that," Revy cautioned.

"Good," Rock said, "maybe then I won't have to deal with anyone at the church. Or better yet, maybe I'll knock myself out and have to be taken to a hospital. And one I regain conciseness, I can ask to have these damn things removed!" His piece said, he went back to self inducing a concussion.

"More power to you," Benny said, trying not to let his eyes wander off the road. Rock's face was...morbidly hypnotic, in a way.

"I still don't get what the big deal is," Revy interjected suddenly, "I mean, having a face full of swastikas says 'I'm too manly to care what other people think of me, dammit!'."

"But I don't want to be manly, I want to be alive!" the salaryman protested. "And for the record, I _do_ care that people don't think I'm some closet skinhead who thinks 'fuck the Jews'." He turned to Benny, "No offense."

"None taken," the tech replied.

"This is why I say not to buy me anything," he scolded the gunwoman, Under his breath he added "Like that awful Hawaiian shirt..."

Unfortunately, Revy had excellent hearing.

"Hey, I was doing you a favor!" she protested. "And besides, I bought that shirt with my own money!"

"You pushed some guy against a wall, shoved your gun in his mouth, and said 'Gimme dat fucking shirt, bitchface!'," Rock said pointedly.

"Your point?" she asked, not seeing where Nazi face was getting at.

Getting the distinct feeling that the woman in the back seat didn't care enough to actually...well, _care_, Rock decided to get a few dozens of good whacks in on his head before they actually got to the church. With luck, he could get in at least another five or so minutes of good-

"We're here!" Benny announced pulling to a stop in front of the large wooden doors of the Church of Violence. "Give my regards to Sister Yolanda and Eda."

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

Inside the grand chapel of the church building, Sister Eda was laying down on one of the pews, taking a well deserved (at least in _her_ mind) break from her chores. Yolanda had some errands to take care of in town, so she'd given Eda the honor of running business as usual until she got back.

Which, in Eda's mind, equated to making the rest of the 'clergy' do all the important stuff, quickly checking her usual information sources, and then kicking back for the rest of the day until the Mother Superior returned, whichever came first. (She'd made sure to task one of the 'ministers' to keep an eye out for Yolanda so she could act appropriately busy when elderly nun returned.)

So, when she heard someone pounding on the large oak doors of the lonely chapel, she nearly fell off her pew as she scrambled to answer it.

_"Fuck, didn't think she's get back this early; I told those slackers to call me if they saw her coming back," _she thought, her sense of irony cast aside in lieu of saving the skin on her ass.

BANG BANG BANG! came the knock again, somehow sounding even more impatient than before.

"I'm coming!" the fake nun called, picking up the front of her habit so she didn't trip. Almost as an afterthought, but before she reached the door, she tossed the half empty beer bottle she was nursing into an empty vase by one of the stained glass windows. She took a second to make herself look more presentable, and grabbed the ornate handles.

"I can explain," she said one the doors were open. "You see, I was just taking a little breather; I was gonna get back to work in a minute-"

"Geez Eda, what's eating your ass; you fucking one of the priests on the pulpit or something?"

Eda looked up from her prostrating when she's realized it wasn't Yolanda, but was in fact Revy from the Lagoon company. The foulmouthed gunslinger was now standing on her toes, trying to look past the fake nun.

"Oh, it's only you, Two-hands," she signed in relief. She then looked at her watch, quickly following that up with smacking her forehead in sudden realization, "Shit, I forgot you guys were supposed pick up an order today; of course big sis wouldn't be back yet!"

"Yeah, that ready yet?" Revy asked, "Benny's waiting in the car, and- Rock! Get your ass hear the fuck back out here!"

From behind a poster board ("Buy 1, get 1 half off sidearms!") came a small sounding voice, "Actually, it's kind of nice back here; I think I'll just wait here until people forget I exist."

"What's up with office boy?" Eda wondered.

"Oh you're gonna fucking love this!" Revy promised giddily, stomping over to retrieve Rock. "... ROCK, IF YOU DON'T FUCKING GROW SOME BALLS IN THREE SECONDS, I'M GONNA MAKE SURE YOU NEVER WILL!"

She dropped her giddiness for her usual demeanor.

So after a bit of struggling, she finally pulled Rock or into the open, his swastika'd (and a bear holding a shark) glory displayed for all to see.

"Are those what I think they are?" asked Eda.

"Unfortunately..." Rock sighed, the sound of utter defeat prevalent in his voice.

"_And _a kickass bear holding a shark," Revy pointed out pointing to the image. After giving the nun a minute or so to take eventing in, she asked, "Well, whatchya think?"

At first Eda don't know exactly what top male of the odd (and _monumentally_ offensive) sight. However, after some careful deliberation, she decided on the correct response the situation called for.

She feel to the ground laughing her ass off.

"Revy, remember when you threatened to kill me after the thing with the Nazis?" Rock asked, the twistedly apropos memory surfacing, "Is that offer still open?"

"Oh my god!" Eda gasped, somehow able compose herself enough to get a few words out, "Two-hands, you've fucking outdone yourself with this one!"

"Told ya you'd love it!"

After laughing so long she started to tear up Eda eventually calmed down, though she was still on the edge of falling back into a fit.

"OK," she wondered, "how on the hell did..." She gestured at Rock's face. "..._that,_ happen?"

Rock has since moved off to the side, digging a little hole that was presumably for his head to go in.

"Well, it's a long and heartbreaking story," Revy began. "It all happened last night while Rock and I were at the Yellow Flag. You see, Rock was depressed that he's been such a pussy since I found him-"

"No I wasn't!" Rock protested to deaf ears.

"-and after getting himself royally plastered and complaining that Evangelists rigged the Olympics, he said he wanted top get a tattoo to give him a confidence boost."

"You were the one who said I should get a tattoo!" he shouted, angrily.

"So out of the goodness of my heart I took him to a little place I knew. I was a bit surprised when surprised he wanted all swastikas, but I managed to talk him into adding the bear holding the shark in the end."

"I wonder if the hole's big enough yet?" Rock wondered, giving up trying to correct the psychotic gunslinger's story.

Thankfully, before Revy could embellish further, the sound of Benny's car horn blared. The small group turned and saw the eponymous Benny pointing emphatically at his wrist.

"Oh yeah," Revy realized, "our order." She turned back to Eda, "Our shit ready yet?"

"Yeah, it's in the back," Eda said, jerking her thumb over her shoulder. "Grab Pretty Boy and follow me; Yolanda's gonna pop a gasket if he digs up any more of the front lawn."

_to be continued..._

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

_Well, Rock dodged a bullet (figuratively) there...kind of? Eh, whatever, maybe he'll have better luck in the next chapter. _


End file.
